Like so many little girls, there are particular dreams and desires deep in my heart that I’ve held onto so securely, complete with a fairy tale ending and of course, a prince charming. My perception of these ideals have been shattered and bruised, remolded and transformed along the way, nevertheless, ever present and increasing in my pursuit. as shallow as it sounds, my greatest passion and source of satisfaction and identity was to be the most amazing wife and mother.
It’s almost as if I had a consuming obsession for these goals but never considered it a hindrance or stumbling block because they are essentially good and harmless. I didn’t realize that my relentless grip on them were actually taking the place of God on the throne in my life (really scary!). I was unable to give them up in fear that I would be stuck with second best if I didn’t take control of my own fate, like God would make a huge mistake or forget about me (yes, ridiculous, I know). I had my future all planned out, already claiming it was mine, unwilling to budge or divert and imprudently asked God for His blessings and provision. subconsciously, I was ready to give God everything, so as long as he provided a husband and kids.
My hypothetical sacrifice was conditional and half-hearted. Whenever I’m faced with the challenge to give up my future and self-seeking desires for the sake of Jesus and the gospel, I’m always hesitant to lay this specific part of my life down. But today was different. I just couldn’t stand to live with these limitations on God anymore because it was slowly suffocating me. as I let the truth and gravity of what Jesus meant in His word when he calls us to take up the cross and lose our lives resonate in my heart, it awakened a desperate yearning in my soul to finally give them up completely. as I raised my hand in response to this costly call and eventually stood up in surrender to God, I could hear my voice shaking as I said the words for the first time audibly, “I give up my right to a husband. I give up my right to having children.”
I could barely make it through the sentences without freaking out quite a bit inside. but the hard part was over now. It felt like whatever was inside of me that was aching to be released for so long finally experienced freedom. Then the panic was replaced with an overwhelming peace and I could breathe normally again. who am I to plan out my life based on my limited view of God? I’m dying to these desires, rights and everything I call mine in order to gain what’s eternal.
Jesus, I’m Yours.
Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?
Matthew 16: 24-26